I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
