she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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