it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
