Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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