My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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