I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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