he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
