Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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