sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
This is the prime rib incident all over again
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
