Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
