8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
