Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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