Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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