When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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