They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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