Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
