So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
