Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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