I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
