Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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