im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
