She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
