IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
