Only a mothe r could love this liver
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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