Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The beer is more important than you right now.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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