I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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