i barfeds in our rink
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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