Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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