after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
3 2 1 whiskey
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
