I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
