How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My underwear smells like fireworks.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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