Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
