I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
