I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
