You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
