Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
