Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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