my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
