I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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