Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hippo gnu deer
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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