you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
