Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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