my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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