I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
