wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
