My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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