1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
