Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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