if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
