it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
