She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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